Loving on your disabled loved one.

Grandma had a disabling stroke a couple of years ago.  She now lives in a skilled care facility.  She is in very bad shape and spends her days sitting in a wheelchair and requires full care.  Poor Grandma!  Grandma can't fed herself or carry on a conversation.  She sees poorly, often is stuck in repeating a nonsensical phase for months at a time.  So what's a family to do?  Here are some things that we have learned through trial and error. 

Visit as often as possible.  Short and sweet is fine.  Spend more time if you can.

Talk about past happy times.  Tell your loved one about current happy times.  Mention family names.  You may get a word or two.  Capitalize on that and tell them more about that person.

Tell sad news on a relevant, as needed basis.  They may need to know that a loved one has died.  However they do not need to be burdened with the troubles of world events or the messy details of a divorce.  If a regular visitor hasn't been there for awhile do tell them that so and so has not visited because they are sick.  I think Grandma is thinking and perhaps worrying about her family.

Listen to music together.  Notice your loved ones' response... choose calming, soothing tones.

Enlarge photos to 8x10.  Photos of the kids when they were with Grandma in her younger days may connect with the part of Grandma's life that is still with her.  Past events generally stick in a stroke patients mind current events often do not. Talk about all the fun you had at the event in the photo.  You may be rewarded with a smile of recognition.

Read the Bible to your loved one.  Short encouraging passages will be good for both of you.  Your family member may be thinking about their spiritual life.

Read poetry or short, simple, and happy stories to your family member.

Have a card shower.  Send an e-mail out to family and friends to send Grandma a card with cheerful note or photo.  Read the mail to your loved one... more than once.

Go for lunch.  Patiently feed your loved one.  Plan on spending some time doing this.  Take this opportunity to chat with the staff at the table about your loved one.  Tell them that your loved one is a big sports fan, what type of job they did, hobbies,  pets, children or anything else that will make your loved one a real person to the staff.  Remember the staff probably knows nothing about your family member.  This will help the staff talk to your patient and also make the patient more than just someone to be cared for.

Take a treat.  Check with the nurses before you offer this to your loved one.    Grandma is not diabetic so she can have a milkshake.  However, thickner is added to that she will not choke as the ice cream melts into liquid form.   The staff should be happy to help you with getting this correct.  Grandma loves this part of our visit.

Give Grandma a kiss and hug.  Tell her you love her and appreciate all she did for you.

Take a box of chocolates to the staff.  Show appreciation for their efforts on behalf of your loved one. 

Be your loved ones advocate.  Be respectful and specific if you see any problems.  Go to the adminstrator of the facility if necessary.  Follow through until you are satified with your loved one's care.  Pick and choose your battles but your loved one deserves to be treated right.

Talk to the staff.  A good staff will be working on your loved ones issues.  After months and months of listening to Grandma tell us that there was " a bear-flier in her hair" one of the staff members goggled the phrase "bear-flier".  To our amazement she found that a "bear-flier" was a type of fishing lure.  With that little piece of information I asked Grandma if she had ever had a "bear-flier"  stuck in her hair while fishing with her husband.  She nodded her head "yes" and looked enormously relieved.  I asked her if she had gone to the hospital to have it removed and again she nodded her head "yes".  She finally got through to all of us!  Kudos to the staff member for solving the mystery. 
None of the family knew this story but Grandma wanted us to know.  It was a great relief to all of us.  She is still talking about the "bear flier" but at least we know what that's about now. 

Grandma I love you!

Please share your ideas on ministering to your elderly loved ones.