Wise parenting advice ... from an unexpected source.

This piece is from Agatha Christies' autobiography here she is describing her own childhood rearing.  Agatha was raised in a privileged family although not an extremely wealthy one.   Agatha was not considered by her family to be overly talented.  Sixty-eight novels, over 100 short stories, 17 plays later... she is a wise and talented woman... read on...

" On the whole I think the snobbery of my childhood, the snobbery of birth, that is, is more palatable than the other snobberies: the snobbery of wealth, and today's intellectual snobbery.
  Intellectual snobbery seems today to breed a particular form of envy and venom.  Parents are determined that their offspring shall shine.  "We've made great sacrifices for you to have a good education," they say.  The child is burdened with guilt if he does not fulfill their hopes.  Everyone is so sure that it is all a matter of opportunity-not of natural aptitude.
  I think late Victorian parents were more realistic and had really more consideration for their children and for what would make a happy and successful life for them.  There was much less keeping up with the Joneses.  Nowadays I often feel that it is for one's own prestige that one wants one's children to succeed.  The Victorians looked dispassionately at their offspring and made up their minds about their capacities.  A. was obviously going to be "the pretty one."  B. was "the clever one." C. was going to plain and was definitely not intellectual.  Good works would be C.'s best chance.  And so on.  Sometimes of course, they were wrong, but on the whole it worked.  There is an enormous relief in not being expected to produce something that you haven't got.
  The general standpoint in my young days had a certain humility.  You accepted what you were.  You had assets and you had liabilities.  Like a hand at cards, having been dealt it, you sorted your cards and decided how best to play them.  There was, I am almost sure, less envy and resentment of those more gifted of better off.  If some young friends had expensive or exciting toys one did not expect or demand to have them oneself.  I might say to my mother, "Freda has a wonderful doll's house. I wish I had one like that," and my mother would reply placidly, "yes, it's nice for Freda.  Of course her parents are much richer than we are."  Nowadays it seems to be "Marylyn has got a bicycle, why can't I have one?"  as though it were one's right."

What not to wear...

I have just spent the last hour in a Juniors clothing store.  I "parked" on a chair  and settled in to wait on my daughters while they shopped. 

A group of young teen girls were shopping together for some sort of dressy occasion.  I watched in amusement as they paraded in front of the large mirror trying on ridiculously short and tight dresses.  Later they began to complete their "look" with shoes they could hardly walk in.  I really don't know what they saw but I saw bumps, lumps, knobby knees and wobbly legs.  I never knew what they actually bought but I hope for their sake nothing.

Conclusion... the two rules for selecting formal ware are:

1.  If you've got to yank it up or pull it down it doesn't fit.

2.  If you can't walk gracefully in the shoes you have picked out- they are not for you.

How do you deal with modesty issues with your daughters?

What really matters... Number Four

Quality time vs. Quantity time.  This debate has been going on for a long time.  I think that quality and quanity time with the family are equally important.  Quality time moments cannot be scripted or forced.  Sometimes the most well planned event is a total flop and sometimes a silly spontanous moment of fun just happens.

Planning quality time is important as it signals that you care enough to plan a cool outing or event.  Quality time often makes some special memories.

Quantity time is when you usually have those important conservations with the kids.  Quantity time lets things flow in their own good time... maybe late at night or in the car but it is important to be there. 

What's your favorite way to spend time with your family?

What really matters... Number Three

The family dinner is a precious moment that we take for granted.  This is the time that we can gather after a busy day and share  prayers,  thoughts, encouragement , and  a laugh.  It is so easy to dismiss this as unimportant.  Busy evenings, sports schedules and all manner of good things can push the family dinner to the side.  I am going to work on making this a priority in our family life.

What's your family's favorite meal?

A house divided...

Dear Children:

It's Thanksgiving time again.  I am really looking forward to spending time with all of you.  You are great kids. 

This time of year brings some sadness for me too.  I remember other Thanksgivings with extended family.  As a child I loved Thanksgiving with my mother's extended family.   That is all gone now.  Most family members that were on my side of the family are dead or have simply moved on.  There were lots of tensions in the family.  I really don't know what those tensions were about, however, as a child I greatly enjoyed being with my cousins and playing on Aunt Marie's back porch.

After I was married, we enjoyed being with both sides of our family... sadly that has gone by the wayside too.  As a child of a small family I find myself really missing being a part of a larger extended family.  Despite our efforts and consideration of our extended family it seems that no one wants to come out and play anymore. 

I really want you children to be friends going forward.  I pray that God will bless us with a bond that will last for many, many generations.  As your Mother that is my goal!

Both sides of the family have a great deal of brokenness.  Divorces, money problems, bad decisions that have had some big consequences, death, enabling, deceit all contribute to the mess.

I believe that the real problem is not any individual's particular issues, it is a lack of moral consensus within the extended family.  Family members want a pass on whatever they choose to do.  We have become a house divided.
"In those days Israel had no king; everyone did as his saw fit".  Judges 17:6

Here is my thought.  All families have problems.  Death and divorce occur.  However if we as a family uphold a shared moral code of honoring marriage, holding children accountable, and being honest with each other things should go pretty well long term.  Please do not misunderstand me.  This does not mean that when things go wrong (like a divorce) you will be thrown out of the family.  It means that we share upholding the institution of marriage (and the Ten Commandments) while understanding that we live in a fallen world and things go wrong.  This is holding a shared vision of what Christ would have us be. 

I think this very thing is the root of the United States of America problems.  We as a nation do not share a moral consensus of upholding marriage or the Ten Commandments.  If we agree that the home and the Ten Commandments are the blueprint for an orderly society then we know where we are going as a nation. Sadly, the family problems are a reflection of our country's cultural problems. 

I love you all and this is my prayer...
""But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations".
Psalm 33:11

The 4-H Fair

I love the 4-H fair. I was a member for 10 years. I learned how to cook and sew by doing many projects. The 4-H fair in my county was quite competitive. The judges were tough and applied Purdue University rigor to child created projects. I struggled along for five years only receiving red and (and worse yet!) white ribbons. I decided I would give 4-H one more year and if I didn't receive a blue (1st place) ribbon I would just quit! Well, wouldn't you know it... my sixth year in 4-H I won my first blue ribbon. I stayed in 4-H and went on to win many more blue ribbons and even one reserve champion. I was really glad that I was persistent and continued to strive for the ribbon I wanted.

Amber Rehberg, Youth Extension Agent of Sheboygan County, Wisconsin says this so well in her monthly "Letter to 4-H Families":

The Fair is a special celebration of accomplishments but the real purpose of 4-H is about developing Blue Ribbon Kids. We have had a long history of youth and adults striving to make their best better, not only for themselves but for others. Whether the project involves a camera, a cow or a cookie, the ultimate goal is to help young people become the best they can be by gaining valuable life skills through experiential learning.

4-H is for the kids! If their photo or calf or cookies wins first place, that's great. If it doesn't, that may be even better. With the help and encouragement of parents, leaders and others, youngsters with the red or white ribbons have opportunities to grow and learn. For some the blue ribbon says, I know all I need to know; there is no reason to strive to do better; a blue ribbon should mean, I accomplished my goals for this year, it's time to raise the bar!

Fairs, shows and contests give everyone the opportunity to strive to do their best, to learn to cooperate as well as compete, to express their views and concerns and get along with others in the process. We all like to be considered the winner, but winning comes in different forms for each of us. As adults we need to do our part to help kids develop a winning attitude and sense of accomplishment, no matter what color the ribbon might be.

Keep working for your goal!

Brainy, Bright, and Interesting kids

As you plan your children's activities this summer I think that it is important for your kids to have a good mix of different kinds of activities. Those children that only play sports or video games are missing out on using all areas of their brains. Music, sports, arts and crafts, games, gardening, and reading are all fun activities that will exercise different parts of their brain and will help children develop into smart and interesting people.

Remember it is the process not the product that is important here. So let them sing off-key (loudly), scribble away, and strike out. It's all good even if they do it badly. You're seeing to it that your kids are using all of their gray cells by stimulating different parts of their brains.

Thought for Mom and Dad... how are you doing in this area? It's important for parents to have a mix of activities too. Don't become a workaholic or a mono-hobbyist. Life will be more fun for you too.

Just say "No"

Safety
Is your child on Facebook? If so you need to find out how much of your personal information your child has posted on the Internet. Some kids just post their name, address, phone number, cell phone number, and looking for a relationship without a second thought. Kids are often tricked into being friends with stalkers. Stalkers are very clever and have a million different ploys to become "friends" with your child.

Privacy
Parents that allow their children to be on social networks like Facebook, My Space, and Twitter need to be extremely vigilant about what is posted on social networking sites. I often hear parents defend their child's Facebook activity by telling me it is private and only open to their friends. First do you really know all of your child's Facebook friends? How much time do you have to monitor their social network activities? Second, there is nothing posted on the Internet that a smart stalker can't find out.

While you may think you are keeping track of what is going on another common trick is for kids to create two Facebook pages; one for their parents to see and one that the parents do not know about for their friends. Please be wise enough to recognize this as a possibility and don't get caught in the mentality that your child "would never do that". Check things out.

Bullying
When I taught high school I was shocked at the amount of bullying that occurred Facebook. People will say things on Facebook that they will never say to a person's face. Nice, student council type kids would find a victim and set up a group to pick on a fellow student. In a high school setting the victim has no place to hide from the wolf pack that surrounds them. Things spiral downward for the victim and the perpetrators don't get caught because they never quite cross the line of mentioning names or being libelous.

Sex
Many after school sexual encounters are set up on Facebook. Purchase parental controls for your computer and don't allow kids on the computer when you are not around to be the POS (parent over shoulder). Your kids will be annoyed but that is your job as a parent. Keep your kids accountable as to their whereabouts after school. Come home from work early occasionally just to check up on things.

Just say "No".
I do not think children should be allowed to have a Facebook page until they are in at least 11th grade. While this is very "uncool" it will save you a ton of headaches. By the time a child is in the upper high school grades most of the middle school meanness should be over. You still need to be very vigilant about how much information is posted and actively teach your student to be both safe and smart. You need to have a Facebook page yourself so that you can keep track of things.

A personal observation...
When my daughter was in 7th grade she really wanted a Face book page. We said "No". She was mad but life went on. Now she is a Freshman and still does not have a Facebook page. Recently a young 15 year old girl in a near by town was picked for lunch by a 19 year-old Facebook boyfriend. She did not return to school on time. She was sexually assaulted that afternoon and then showed up at school at 3:30. It was not the "lunch date" she had in mind. Our school superintendent talked to the students at our school about the dangers of Facebook. Our daughter, now convinced the parental units are not completely stupid came home and said "Mom, Dr. ____ talked to us about Facebook and he said the same things you do." While she won't admit it I saw the relief in her face. When the parent says "No" you are the bad, uncool guy and it takes the pressure off your student. Put up with the fuss your student will make and stand firm. It will pay off in a few years.