"Pick and choose your battles"
What's your favorite piece of wisdom?
Showing posts with label annoying people. Show all posts
Showing posts with label annoying people. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Monday, August 20, 2012
Good fences make good neighbors.
The first time I heard this little proverb was at the Menno-Hof Museum in Shipshewana, Indiana. I was puzzled by its meaning and left the museum with only a vague idea as to the point that was being made by the Amish community. Many years have gone by... now I get it! I think my discussion here will be in a different context; however let me explain.
This proverb is from a poem written by Robert Frost in 1914. The poem describes two neighbors that are rebuilding a stone wall that runs between their properties. They are working side by side on opposite sides of the stone fence. A discussion ensues between the neighbors about the need for a fence and the conclusion is drawn that "good fences make good neighbors".
The original poem deals with property boundaries.
Interpersonal relationships also need boundaries. These invisible understandings between people keep people in their proper place in relationships. Most people conflicts arise when boundaries either don't exist or are intruded on. I am going to explain this delicate balance with some examples.
Criticism
This is often in the form of constant verbal criticism of another family member. The person on the receiving end feels like a worm and the person dishing out the criticism feels that they are dominate.
This can also happen between "friends". Nasty remarks, mean Face Book posts or text messages that jab anothers feelings are all part of this game. If you are on the receiving end of the criticism you need to lay down a firm boundary.
Here are somethings that you can do:
Get up and walk away (while they are mid-sentence)
Tell the criticizer that they are being hurtful and you won't listen to their abuse anymore.
Point out "that was mean" or " your rude and your wrong".
With a boundary laid down your verbal abuser will likely back off.
Do not confuse constant unproductive criticism with loving correction. Listen to correction. Set a boundary on verbal abuse.
Money
Generous family members often get taken advantage of by those they love. You should never ask family members for money or loans unless you are in catastrophic circumstances. Children should be taught that your wallet is NOT their wallet. If you find yourself being asked for money by family members your most powerful boundary is the word "NO". Don't feel guilty about refusing money- they shouldn't be asking in the first place. "Get a job" is also an important thought for those that sponge off family and friends.
Family members should not be helping balance checkbooks... that's what personal bankers are for. Older family members need to be careful who they trust with their finances.
Keys and access to your home.
Grandchildren, "friends", neighbors. You love them but that doesn't mean they should have free run of your place. Sometimes a grandchild ends up with a bad friend that you wouldn't want to have in your home.
Again just say "NO".
How do you set interpersonal boundaries?
This proverb is from a poem written by Robert Frost in 1914. The poem describes two neighbors that are rebuilding a stone wall that runs between their properties. They are working side by side on opposite sides of the stone fence. A discussion ensues between the neighbors about the need for a fence and the conclusion is drawn that "good fences make good neighbors".
The original poem deals with property boundaries.
Interpersonal relationships also need boundaries. These invisible understandings between people keep people in their proper place in relationships. Most people conflicts arise when boundaries either don't exist or are intruded on. I am going to explain this delicate balance with some examples.
Criticism
This is often in the form of constant verbal criticism of another family member. The person on the receiving end feels like a worm and the person dishing out the criticism feels that they are dominate.
This can also happen between "friends". Nasty remarks, mean Face Book posts or text messages that jab anothers feelings are all part of this game. If you are on the receiving end of the criticism you need to lay down a firm boundary.
Here are somethings that you can do:
Get up and walk away (while they are mid-sentence)
Tell the criticizer that they are being hurtful and you won't listen to their abuse anymore.
Point out "that was mean" or " your rude and your wrong".
With a boundary laid down your verbal abuser will likely back off.
Do not confuse constant unproductive criticism with loving correction. Listen to correction. Set a boundary on verbal abuse.
Money
Generous family members often get taken advantage of by those they love. You should never ask family members for money or loans unless you are in catastrophic circumstances. Children should be taught that your wallet is NOT their wallet. If you find yourself being asked for money by family members your most powerful boundary is the word "NO". Don't feel guilty about refusing money- they shouldn't be asking in the first place. "Get a job" is also an important thought for those that sponge off family and friends.
Family members should not be helping balance checkbooks... that's what personal bankers are for. Older family members need to be careful who they trust with their finances.
Keys and access to your home.
Grandchildren, "friends", neighbors. You love them but that doesn't mean they should have free run of your place. Sometimes a grandchild ends up with a bad friend that you wouldn't want to have in your home.
Again just say "NO".
How do you set interpersonal boundaries?
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Definition of Spoiled...
"She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy."
Ezekiel 16:49
Ezekiel 16:49
Control vs. Leadership
Trying to "control" people is a bad thing. First of all it doesn't work. Second you are signing up for everyone to hate you... passionately. Those who rule with an iron hand, order others around, and demand things are difficult people. Controllers do not listen to or seek input from their subordinates. The order is issued without any thought or consideration as to what the subordinates viewpoint on the project might be. Controllers either find themselves embroiled in conflict or simply feared. If you are a controlling person... 1.) admit it and 2.) fix it.
Leadership is a very different style. A leader sets things up for success and then steps back and lets things happen. People have the freedom to participate or not. By giving people the option of participation it allows people to take ownership of the project. It also allows for input which may result in an improved project.
Here are some examples:
Family control: Mom (or Dad) set up a family gathering and demand that everyone will be there at the time and place they have chosen. There are no excused absences. People are made to feel guilty if they do not participate. No one really wants to come and ultimately the family withdraws from each other.
Family Leadership: Mom (or Dad) float an idea for a gathering to all. Input as to times, dates, and activities are taken note of. After considering every one's thoughts. Mom and Dad set a time and date and invite all who can make it. It is optional and their are no emotional penalties to not attending. Plans are made to ensure that a "good time can be had by all". Things are planned so that there are various options (food and activities) so people do not find themselves forced into food and activities that they hate. Leaders also set boundaries for family members if needed. A wise leader will choose these battles carefully. Family members find themselves wanting to gather because it was so much fun.
Controlling boss: The boss orders his employees to do things his way. Employees have no input as to how to approach the project and are severely criticized if they do not produce the desired results. The boss micromanages and interferes with the employees work thus slowing things down.
Leadership boss: The boss outlines the project that needs to be done and the timeline for completion. The boss takes volunteers for each piece of the task. If their are no volunteers the boss is then in the position to assign tasks. Input is taken, materials are made available, and employees are asked to accomplish the task. The boss is there to supervise, problem solve, and help as needed. If employees refuse to work (their option) then the boss (his option) may fire the employee. Employees take pride and ownership of the project and great things happen.
What are your thoughts on leadership?
Leadership is a very different style. A leader sets things up for success and then steps back and lets things happen. People have the freedom to participate or not. By giving people the option of participation it allows people to take ownership of the project. It also allows for input which may result in an improved project.
Here are some examples:
Family control: Mom (or Dad) set up a family gathering and demand that everyone will be there at the time and place they have chosen. There are no excused absences. People are made to feel guilty if they do not participate. No one really wants to come and ultimately the family withdraws from each other.
Family Leadership: Mom (or Dad) float an idea for a gathering to all. Input as to times, dates, and activities are taken note of. After considering every one's thoughts. Mom and Dad set a time and date and invite all who can make it. It is optional and their are no emotional penalties to not attending. Plans are made to ensure that a "good time can be had by all". Things are planned so that there are various options (food and activities) so people do not find themselves forced into food and activities that they hate. Leaders also set boundaries for family members if needed. A wise leader will choose these battles carefully. Family members find themselves wanting to gather because it was so much fun.
Controlling boss: The boss orders his employees to do things his way. Employees have no input as to how to approach the project and are severely criticized if they do not produce the desired results. The boss micromanages and interferes with the employees work thus slowing things down.
Leadership boss: The boss outlines the project that needs to be done and the timeline for completion. The boss takes volunteers for each piece of the task. If their are no volunteers the boss is then in the position to assign tasks. Input is taken, materials are made available, and employees are asked to accomplish the task. The boss is there to supervise, problem solve, and help as needed. If employees refuse to work (their option) then the boss (his option) may fire the employee. Employees take pride and ownership of the project and great things happen.
What are your thoughts on leadership?
Friday, September 23, 2011
Attitude is Everything!
I know lots of people that complain about their lives. Their lack of gratitude for all the good things in their lives is just wrong. Their lives become sad BECAUSE they complain.
When things go wrong in our lives it is easy to lose sight of all the many, many, blessings that have been bestowed on us. We need to maintain an attitude of gratitude and look for all the positive things that we have going for us. Complaining is easy; a fresh perspective on your situation takes some thought.
Life will always have problems, back sets, and bad circumstances but by focusing on the positive things will go better. Solutions, opportunities, and fresh thoughts come to those that stay positive.
Some things I am thankful for:
Peace and safety.
A good night's rest.
My family who loves me.
Food to eat.
Pets to play with.
Many interesting and free things to do.
My health.
A roof over my head.
Clean water to drink and play in.
Libraries.
My church.
Neighbors that will help in times of need.
Friendships.
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Whats on your Thankful list?
When things go wrong in our lives it is easy to lose sight of all the many, many, blessings that have been bestowed on us. We need to maintain an attitude of gratitude and look for all the positive things that we have going for us. Complaining is easy; a fresh perspective on your situation takes some thought.
Life will always have problems, back sets, and bad circumstances but by focusing on the positive things will go better. Solutions, opportunities, and fresh thoughts come to those that stay positive.
Some things I am thankful for:
Peace and safety.
A good night's rest.
My family who loves me.
Food to eat.
Pets to play with.
Many interesting and free things to do.
My health.
A roof over my head.
Clean water to drink and play in.
Libraries.
My church.
Neighbors that will help in times of need.
Friendships.
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Whats on your Thankful list?
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Yes...but
Have you ever prayed for someone that had a problem in their life that just never seemed to improve? Are you met with “Yes… but…” when you offer suggestions or good advice to this person? There are people who ask for healing, pray for healing, but don’t really want to be healed. I will share an entry from Dan Miller of 48 Days that is a great insight to this “problem person” (and “person with problems”) in your life.
"Sometimes there’s a comfortable misery in predictable, repeating failure.
There was a pool in Jerusalem near the sheep market that was believed to have special properties. The belief was that every so often, at an unexpected time, an angel would stir the water, and then whoever managed to jump in first would be healed. In John 5 in the Bible, we read where Jesus was walking by and heard the whining voice of a guy who had been coming there every day for 38 years. Jesus walked up to him and asked, “Wilt thou be made whole?” (Dude, do you want to get well?) The guy was probably offended and thought to himself “Of course I do. Haven’t I been coming here every day for 38 years?” (John 5: 5-9)
But we know Jesus could see through to the heart. The question was a legitimate one. “Do you want to get well?” I suspect that enjoying poor health, hanging around at the pool, receiving other people’s sympathy and handouts had become this guy’s profession. Of course he had reasons to complain. Can’t you see how bad things are? He had probably long since lost any hope of changing his situation and created his own private little welfare system.
Seeing into his heart Jesus said “Get up and walk!” A little confused by the authority the guy actually found out he could stand up and walk. Whoa! No more comfort of self-pity, no more sympathy from friends, no more of the predictable familiarity of justified whining and complaining. What do you suppose happened the next morning when this guy’s mom and day suggested he go out and get a job?
How many people do you know whose anger, resentment and “victim” mentality has become their identity? “If I got a job, my disability checks would stop.” “If it weren’t for this pain in my leg, I’d be willing to go to work.” “You know the economy is bad-there aren’t any jobs available.” “I’m suing the company because they fired me after only four days of being late.” Not everyone who is “down and out” wants their life to change. There’s safety in being down and out. The real test and responsibility come with being healthy and well. Thus the question, “Wilt thou be made whole?”
Sometime I fear we sabotage our own success because the familiarity of the known is more comfortable than the uncertainty of the unknown possibilities. If you were offered the chance for a better future, would you take advantage of it? Is there any “sickness” that you are hanging on to?"
"Sometimes there’s a comfortable misery in predictable, repeating failure.
There was a pool in Jerusalem near the sheep market that was believed to have special properties. The belief was that every so often, at an unexpected time, an angel would stir the water, and then whoever managed to jump in first would be healed. In John 5 in the Bible, we read where Jesus was walking by and heard the whining voice of a guy who had been coming there every day for 38 years. Jesus walked up to him and asked, “Wilt thou be made whole?” (Dude, do you want to get well?) The guy was probably offended and thought to himself “Of course I do. Haven’t I been coming here every day for 38 years?” (John 5: 5-9)
But we know Jesus could see through to the heart. The question was a legitimate one. “Do you want to get well?” I suspect that enjoying poor health, hanging around at the pool, receiving other people’s sympathy and handouts had become this guy’s profession. Of course he had reasons to complain. Can’t you see how bad things are? He had probably long since lost any hope of changing his situation and created his own private little welfare system.
Seeing into his heart Jesus said “Get up and walk!” A little confused by the authority the guy actually found out he could stand up and walk. Whoa! No more comfort of self-pity, no more sympathy from friends, no more of the predictable familiarity of justified whining and complaining. What do you suppose happened the next morning when this guy’s mom and day suggested he go out and get a job?
How many people do you know whose anger, resentment and “victim” mentality has become their identity? “If I got a job, my disability checks would stop.” “If it weren’t for this pain in my leg, I’d be willing to go to work.” “You know the economy is bad-there aren’t any jobs available.” “I’m suing the company because they fired me after only four days of being late.” Not everyone who is “down and out” wants their life to change. There’s safety in being down and out. The real test and responsibility come with being healthy and well. Thus the question, “Wilt thou be made whole?”
Sometime I fear we sabotage our own success because the familiarity of the known is more comfortable than the uncertainty of the unknown possibilities. If you were offered the chance for a better future, would you take advantage of it? Is there any “sickness” that you are hanging on to?"
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